2: Arc’Teryx Theta Ar Gore-Tex jacket – The best piece of waterproof outerwear I’ve ever owned, great at keeping me warm and dry on savagely wet and windy mornings.

3: Bananas – A little taste of sunshine in the morning, plus they keep you regular.

4: Coffee – Not instant shit, not vending machine shit, but the good shit, like Whittard’s “Monsoon Malabar”, shit that leaves you wired, but in a good way.

5: John Smedley knitwear – Nothing like a a lovely bit of fine gauge merino wool to keep you warm and comfortable when it starts getting a bit chilly outside.

And that readers, was about the first time I’ve genuinely felt out of touch with the younger generation. I found out quickly off one of my “posse” (That’s what the kids say? Right?) that it’s some free messaging service from RIM (ha “rim”) the shoddy device making creators of the Blackberry brand behemoth. It’s favoured by “da yoof” for some reason over traditional SMS messaging. Why? Fuck knows. But this isn’t about them, its about me.

So yeah, I’m out of touch, not only with younger folk, but with technology! That’s the kicker, I’ve always prided myself on being at the bleeding edge of new tech, but not any more, I’d missed this Blackberry shit (despite having one from work). How the fuck did that happen? Fuck knows, maybe, because I’m now I’m approaching 30 I just can’t hack the trending (get that you Twitter fuckers) pace. So fuck it, its tweed and comfy shoes from the Express readers specials for this cat. Anyone for some crown green bowling?

2: Timecop starring Jean Claude Van Damme – Half baked futuristic romp where JCVD is a cop that helps police time travel. This is another one where the good guys wife dies, thus causing him just the right amount of pain and anguish that he needs to kick the living shite out of numerous bad guys. A typical JCVD vehicle.

3: Cobra starring Sly Stallone – Belting this, a classic even. Sly is a maverick cop (the best kind of cop) protecting a star witness against some “supremacists”. Involves motorcycles, a duel in a steelworks and he punches his commanding officer at the end. Belting

4: Tango & Cash starring Stallone & Kurt Russell – An action comedy this time round, Tango (Stallone) is a stylish, clever cop to Cashs (Russell) scruffy maverick type, so basically this film is an odd couple type buddy comedy with guns and shit. Then the partners get framed for murder! Then sent to a maximum security penitentiary filled with criminals they themselves sent down! Cheesy as fuck, but brilliant with it.

5: The Transporter starring Jason Statham – Quite a recent film compared to the rest but still up there. Statham’s role as the eponymous “Transporter” is typical action film one, he’s a shadowy ex military man, who operates on the wrong side of the law, with a weird accent he high kicks his way through daft fight scenes (fighting covered in engine oil for fucks sake) and cheap explosions. Five lock stocks and two smoking barrels out of five.

Fuck me, what a load of fucking shite. Scouting for Girls? All their songs sound the same. Flo Rida? Leave the rap to the lads that know how. Timbaland? Give it up you fat, sideways looking meff, Autotune was done to death 2 years ago, step away from the Moog and go on a fucking diet. Dizzee Rascal? Couple of good tunes 5 years ago, now producing shite for the white middle class. Lady Gaga? Madonna light, and she looks like she needs a good bath. Jay Z? Stop biting Nas’ ideas (or anyone else’s for that matter). Black Eyed Peas? By fuck did you whoppers sell out, from having Preem produce to making the shite the do now. Mazel tov indeed. Plan B? Grow some fucking bollocks you scruffy looking turd, or did some tart castrate you? Owl City? Fuck me, you couldn’t be more blatant in ripping off Deathcab for Cutie if you fucking tried. N-Dubz? Where do I start? From Dappy’s condom-eque headwear to Tulisa’s tired warblings, it the music for a generation of scrotes who’s idea of a good Friday night is ragging it round McDonalds car park in a Clio twin turbo.

Erm there was a point to this rant but I can’t remember what it was.

But I’m not here to moan about that, I’m here to comment upon the social phenomonon of groups on that creeping social networking site Facebook, demanding justice. What kind of justice you may ask? The best kind of justice. Mob Justice.

If you are a user of Facebook you will have no doubt seen these, maybe even joined one. But I have to ask “why?” What purpose do these groups serve? Do you honestly think that by joining a group advocating the lynching of an extremely troubled person that you are serving any purpose other than creating a snowball effect for more people demanding impossible justice?

Maybe you just wish to voice your concern over a failing government, but you do realise there are far better ways of doing that than joining the 21st century equivalent of a lynch mob? You could write to your local PM or organise a petition on the Downing St website. (http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/). Both are far less reactionary and would ultimately yield more answers than joining a fan page called “jamie bulger killer should not be released!!!” (sic).

It saddens me that people will readily join a group of Facebook, yet they won’t actually look at the salient points and form a reasonable opinion of their own, they’d rather let the tabloid media with their under-thought, knee jerk journalism do it for them.

Now I’m not some kind of yankophile, but they do know how to make great television. Lets start with the Wire. Now I’m sure you’re sick to the fucking back teeth of everyone saying how great the Wire is (if you haven’t seen it that is, if you have then you’ll be nodding, probably going “sheeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiitt”) but it is the prime example of how Television should be made.

Well written? By ex Po-leece and a Bawlmer journo. Well acted? Dominic West excels as a pisscan Homicide Po-leece. Well produced? So finely done that the story of Bubbles makes you root for a heroin addict. In contrast lets look at Dr Who. Well written? Not unless you like sub par science fiction that sounds like its been written by an 8 year old. Well acted? A fine blend of overacting & wooden performances. Well produced? Only if you think the production values of Prisoner Cell Block H are the epitome of the art.

I know the two are hardly comparible programmes, but both are lauded to some degree and I wanted to highlight the contrast. So why does television from these fair isles tend to be shite?

I personally think its down to people being happy to settle for less, that whole stiff upper lip business. If you don’t like it, don’t complain, just keep your fucking mouth shut. This has led to us being fed utter bilge over the years, I can’t think of any ITV “comedies” off the top of my head, but they’ve never made a funny one, the BBC persist in making dark and “gritty” police dramas that are anything but and don’t get me started on their costume dramas.

Maybe its because we have two broadcasting behemoths which are loathe to deviate from anything thats nice and safe or middle of the road. Whereas our yank cousins have the likes of HBO, a paid for television channel that has repeatedly handed us television programmes that are so far from the norm, they manage to become something more than mere actors on a screen.

I don’t know where the quote is from, but someone once said “Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth”. To some people I may come across as a Hip Hop loving ruffian with an encyclopedic knowledge of Boogie Down Productions & KRS One, to others, I’m a bookworm who has read The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy over twenty times.

Years ago youth cultures were a handy way to bracket people, if they did their hair in a certain way, you could pretty much sum them up in a sentence. Now you don’t know whether the white lad, in the skinny jeans with the Stone Island jacket on in a trucker cap, is gay, straight, casual, Hip Hop, a rocker. Fuck knows.

Whats a young lad to do these days? Everything is becoming so homogenised its unreal. Even the music cross overs, arguably started by Run DMC & Aerosmith, are blurring boundaries to the point of banality. Dizzy Rascal & Calvin Harris? What a pile of shit. So what can you do about it?

Do I want, indeed do YOU want to be associated with just one social phenomenon? I don’t think I do, but I don’t want to blend into one border crossing mass with fingers in every pie, jack of all trades, master of none. In fact you could consider me a tourist, with a home country from which I frequently visit other cultures.

The one root cause of all this is simple to identify, its the Internet. Never has it been easier for people to find out about anything. Within minutes you can become an expert on anything but without the viewpoint that years of being involved gives you. It is something thats become endemic within the whole casual thing in the past few years. Go onto any message board vaguely related to “casual” and you’ll find 16 year old lads stating “I’ve been into casual for a few years now”, without realising its not something you choose to be. They just study the forums, read some books and think its something you can be, without realising all they’re doing is emulating older lads and missing the point.

But I suppose that is the nature of the beast. As soon as anything gains any kind of populairty, people will latch on to it, even people from outside the bubble.

Hank Scorpio

1: Cape Feare 07/10/1993
Sideshow Bob tries to kill Bart and the Simpsons are placed in the witness protection programme. Brilliant for the scene where the FBI try to get Homer to answer questions in his new name “Mr Thompson” and Side Show Bob and a lot of rakes.

2: Homer Badman 27/11/1994
Homer is accused of groping someone. Classic scenes include “See you in hell candyboys!” and Grounds Keeper Willie being described as “Rowdy Roddy PEEPER”.

3: Homer the Great 08/01/1995
Homer joins a secret society called the Stone Cutters. Notable scenes include the Stone Cutters song (Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star? We do).

4: Hurricane Neddy 29/12/1996
The Flanders home is the only house destroyed during a hurricane and Ned snaps. One thing “I’m Dick Tracy, take that Prune Face, now I’m Prune Face, take that Dick Tracy, now I’m Prune Tracy…”

5: You Only Move Twice 03/11/1996
Homer is head hunted by the friendly super villain Hank Scorpio. A personal favourite of the author. Hank Scorpio is the perfect boss, doing everything to help the employees of Globex Corporation, he even gives Homer the Denver Broncos for his help with Project Arcturus. Another episode with a great song, this one is at the end and is a top piss take of James Bond theme songs “and on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer! He loves german beer!”

1: The Writers – From what I can gather, many of the writers that contributed to the brilliance of the Simpsons during the “golden era”, have moved on to bigger and better things. As this is to be expected when people are producing comedy gold as part of a large team, surely the producers could have brought in people that captured the zeitgeist? Or even held some of the writers on retainer or invited them back, rather than people that seem to think comedy is slapstick randomness more suited to Sponge Bob Squarepants.

2: Try to pander to viewers – With the likes of Family Guy, American Dad & Southpark providing animated humour for adults, the Simpsons has had to change to try and keep up, except that without an adult twist, its unrepentant wackiness (Tomacco anyone?) has made it look like a middle age man trying to prove how cool he is (or once was). Remember when the Simpsons handled political satire with a touch so subtle that both children and adults could appreciate the humour on numerous levels?

3: Loads of Money – The Simpsons is undoubtedly one of the most successful franchises of all time, I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess but I doubt Matt Groening, James L Brooks & Sam Simon are wondering where their next meal is coming from. Anything that makes that kind of money is going to end up selling out to a certain degree and its cash cow status for Fox means that they’ll always have a hand in what the show churns out. But at one point they were fearless, no political figure was safe from the yellow skin treatment (George Bush Snr being sent up as an old crank stands out) and it was much better for it.

1: Provide a distraction: Wave your arms about, shit on the floor, do something to take the minds of the two potentially warring factions off the situation. Hopefully this will make them realise how futile the conflict is, compared to the sheer crackers behaviour you are now exhibiting.

2: Make them sit down and engage in a “dialogue”: Hard as fuck this one, probably more suited to a work based kick off than your two mates arguing over who’s round it is. But give it a try. Not the best solution when you’re logic is addled by booze though.

3: Knock their heads together: Worked on me and our kid when we were young uns, might not be the best method for making people see sense in a place of employment. Business’s tend to frown upon a manager smacking two peoples heads together.