Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Chris Grayling, Conservative, Conservatives, David Cameron, John Amaechi, Parts Of Britain Like The Wire, The Wire, Tories, Tory
The Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling’s comment that parts of Britain are like The Wire (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8219482.stm) got me thinking. Now I’m a massive fan of the Wire, it is to me, the greatest TV programme of all time, realistic and true to inspiration, even to the point that ex Corner Boys & Girls and Homicide “poh-leece” have been cast as characters.
To say parts of this country are like Baltimore is bit of an over statement. Yes we have drug & crime problems, but do we have a murder close to one a day? Do we have open air drug markets like Fayette Street in West Baltimore, where young “hoppers” openly tout “red tops” & “white top” vials of crack cocaine or “heroin”? Certainly not to my knowledge. I spend a considerable amount of time in deprived areas of South Manchester & North Manchester and yes, they are plagued by crime relating to drugs, but not on the scale witnessed in “Bodymore, Murderland”.
John Amaechi backs me up on this (http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1133841_amaechi_tells_tale_of_two_cities) and that man knows his onions. The comments by Grayling just seem to be another poor stab at appearing “down” with popular culture by the ever ludicrous Conservatives, Cameron tried it with casually swearing on a daytime radio programme. What a fucking plum, a proper bad smarmy rich plum. Is it any wonder that kids from deprived areas grow more and more disaffected when they’re labelled and villified by the people that should be trying to get them onside, the people that should be trying to solve their problems?
I suggest Grayling gets off his lucky, opinionated arse and goes down to South Manchester for a mooch, go for a feed at Buzz Rocks, get a hair cut at Douggies, maybe a pint in the Beehive, then I suggest he goes to Baltimore and tries the same.
I await his report with baited breath.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: humor, humour, man city, manchester, manchester united, MCFC, MUFC, survival, urban survival
A tough one to actually achieve with success, but be persistant and you’ll probably manage at least a few scoops for nothing.
1: Hang around celeb/media whore places, they always leave bottles of champagne/vodka/JD lying around, so fill yer boots, just make sure you’ve left enough for the 2nd rate footballer so he doesn’t get arsey, oh and fit in, so make sure you look like All Saints & Diesel have vomited over you and your hair is all spiked up and gay.
2: Be cocky with the ladies (I wont mention what the ladies can do, as most blokes are idiots and start shelling for drinks at the first sign of eye contact). So if you’re a bloke, act the twat and more than likely you’ll get a drink bought for you, just you might get it chucked in your face.
3: Tap up your mates. Tapping is a great tradition, favoured by many a dole-ite pisscan all over the UK. Be warned though, they’ll probably expect you to get a drink in for them in the future, so it could all backfire horribly. Remember though a tapper is persistant and doesn’t give a fuck what is thought about him/her.
4: Go for a pint with your Dad. Unless your Dad is as tight as a ducks arse, he’ll be glad to sling you a few quid so you can keep him company in the pub or liven up the debates he has with his addled mates over such varied topics as nuclear submarines and composting techniques.
Filed under: Uncategorized
In todays financially challenged world, getting your scran on is an expensive business, follow my handy hints and you can eat like a king for sweet fuck all.
1: The Burner: Best get a table near the door for this little number, and don’t expect to be able to go back. Just have a decent pair of trainers on and don’t leave your phone on the table like an associate of the Author did.
2: The Fly: An age old number, that isn’t limited to finding a fly in your food, just find, make up or introduce something to ruin your meal, a finger nail is a good one, just keep one in your pocket from the last time you trimmed those yellowing talons of yours.
3: The jib: Good for a late night feed, but only for places that handle loads of piss heads. Just stroll in, and when the guy at the counter calls out saying the kebab/pizza/burger is ready, just grab it and do one. Can be risky though, the Author once ended up with pineapple on his pizza.
4: The whinge: This is a long game tactic and as such it can take a few weeks to yield results but results it will yield. Say you’ve bought a joint from M&S, or your Mam has or your mate has, get the receipt, ring up and say it was dryer than a nuns chuff, 9 times out of 10 they’ll send you vouchers. Warburtons used to be good for this as well, in some cases Mr Warburton himself will drop off a tray of delicious baked goods at your house.
Filed under: Uncategorized, Urban Advice | Tags: bear grylls, humor, humour, man city, manchester, MCFC, MUFC, ray mears, survival, urban survival
Now this is a tricky one, you’re out chatting to some fine young lady and her meat head boyfriend waddles over, with arms like he’s carrying rolls of carpet, veins bulging on his head. What do you do?
1: Act the hardman: Only to be done if you’re actually hard, if you’re an 11 stone weakling forget it, couple it with an unflinching glare into his beady eyes and you might pull it off, if not, be prepared to either run like fuck, or get battered to a pulp
2: Avoid dickheads: Very hard to do as nearly everywhere is infested with aggravating whiffs, but have a mooch, you might have to drink in a boozer full of sandal wearing CAMRA types, but you’ll learn loads about irrigation techniques for your allotment.
3: Don’t go out: By far the cheapest and safest option. Why bother braving the mean streets of 21st century Britain, when you could get two cases in for same amount as your taxi home and binge drink till your sick all over whilst watching low quality porn on Red Tube.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bear grylls, humor, humour, man city, manchester, manchester united, MCFC, MUFC, ray mears, survival, urban survival
Do you ever find yourself stranded in town at 3am in the morning, blind drunk, with no cash and no way home? Well read on as I give you a few handy hints and tips on what you can do to get through the night..
1: Find a 24 hour laundrette and sit on the dryer to keep warm. Not only will you be out of the cold, but you’ll get to know plenty of utter barmpots as well! And if you’re lucky, they might wash the vodka & redbull stains out of your best t-shirt.
2: Go and dance along to the busker with the saxophone on Deansgate. You might earn enough coin to get home, or you could end up getting smashed with a wind instrument.
3: Chain eat kebabs in Loco’s or Abduls. A favourite of the author. Try the mixed special you’d never bothered with before. Great for meeting classy young ladies who might let you share a taxi with them.
4: Find a tramp and play hide and seek with him. Just follow the stink of piss and you should win no problem!
5: Find a copper and kick him in the back of the legs. When his mates turn up, they’ll sling you in the back of a van and off to a nice warm cell and when they turf you out (minus shoe laces) public transport will be up and running
Take care people!
